I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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