Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
