i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Randomize
