we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Randomize
