im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
