There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
