The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
