My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
