totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
