This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
