I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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