I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
