I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
