I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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