No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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