He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Randomize
