no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
