how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
