wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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