Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
cat food counts as protein by the way
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
