Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Randomize
