I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
