Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Randomize
