Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
