the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
