i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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