You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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