There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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