I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
i was born a porn star she said
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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