Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
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