Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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