In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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