Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I'm getting married
To pizza
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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