i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
