My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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