Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
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The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
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He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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