From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
