I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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