i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
