I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
