I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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