You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Randomize
