So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
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