20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
