I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
