the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
