Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
