does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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