Hey man sorry I got all grabby
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
