the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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