My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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