Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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