I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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