Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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