this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
