Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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