A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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