Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
